Have ever found yourself wondering how to get the Domme of your dreams? How to get her to see or take notice of you, but you just don’t know where to start? Do you want to learn the best way to approach any Dominant?
There may not be any one right way, but there are definitely some wrong ways.
Here are some sure fire ways to NOT approach us:
The DM Greetings from Hell
I can tell immediately if I’ll consider a sub—sometimes just from the lack of a subject line. If your opening message is nothing more than a lazy “hi” or “hey,” you’ve already failed. Your greeting is the first test of respect. It shows me whether you’re serious or just wasting my time. A poorly written message gets one response: deletion.
The Un/Ill-informed Sub
Being new to Kink or BDSM isn’t a crime. Not taking the time to explore BDSM dynamics or your own deepest desires is. Why should I take the time to engage with you? If I ask about your fantasies and you reply, “I don’t know,” you’re expecting me to do all the work. That lack of accountability is a red flag. It’s even worse when paired with complaints about tribute.
Understanding Persistence vs. Insistence
There’s a difference between persistence and insistence—only one will get you through my door. Both require consistent effort, but the intent behind them defines success or failure. A persistent submissive understands that my time and attention are privileges to be earned. He demonstrates patience, dedication, and an eagerness to serve. An insistent submissive, however, forces his presence where it’s unwelcome, ignores my boundaries, and demands attention. The latter is not behaving submissively and never lasts long.
The “I Have No Limits” Lie
Few things irritate me more than hearing a sub claim, “I have no limits.” It’s reckless, naive, and dangerous. Not knowing your limits due to inexperience is one thing—that can be worked on. But refusing to acknowledge the need for boundaries? That’s unacceptable. Everyone has limits. I do. If you don’t, I’ll assume you’re either dishonest or too inexperienced to recognize danger. Either way, you won’t get far with me.
Kink-On-Demand: I Am Not a Fantasy Vending Machine
If I had a billionaire submissive funding my every need, I could spend all day indulging in Kink. But guess what? Even then, I wouldn’t be some on-demand fantasy machine. Being a Domme isn’t about fulfilling your every whim while expecting nothing in return. My joy comes from crafting a space where a submissive feels safe, challenged, and cherished. But that requires effort—from both sides. If you approach me with an attitude of entitlement, expecting your fantasies to be served on a silver platter, you will be sorely disappointed.
The “No Financial Dommes/Not Paying for Kink” Fallacy
If you refuse to tribute, you’re not a submissive—I don’t care how much you claim to be. A true sub understands that my time, knowledge, and effort deserve appreciation. That appreciation isn’t just verbal—it’s demonstrated through action. Tribute isn’t a fee; it’s a display of respect and gratitude.
For me, tributes take many forms: luxurious outfits, new toys of my choosing, covering my rent, providing fine dining, and pampering me. It can also mean booking a hotel for a night or a dungeon space for play. And, of course, the simplest form—cold, hard cash. Acts of service also hold value, whether that’s chauffeuring me, cleaning, or running errands to lighten my load. These are the gestures that make you stand out, that make me take notice. A sub who goes out of his way to honor me earns a place in my “Joyful Thoughts.”
If you’ve made it this far, take a moment to reflect. Are you approaching a Domme with the respect, effort, and dedication she deserves? Or are you just another time-waster, expecting everything while offering nothing? The difference between a worthy submissive and an instant dismissal is in the details—how you greet, how you prepare, how you serve.
This is not a game. It’s a dynamic built on trust, understanding, and unwavering devotion. If you’re not ready to put in the work, don’t bother stepping forward. But if you are—if you truly desire to serve and grow—then prove it. Show your worth, not just with words but with action. Anything less? You already know where you stand.
Mistress Hera 